The things that Children say!!!

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The things that Children say!!!







1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him.



'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,

'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'You big sissy..'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two,

THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake the barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

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“It’s no good getting old if you don’t get smart”

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.


Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.


Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.


They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.


Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.


"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.


"I would like it infrequently," she replied.


The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,


"Is that one word or two?"

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One day the chicken & horse were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, the chicken searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping there was still time to save the horse's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and as the chicken began to sink, the horse heard the cry, 'Save me!'

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift the chicken out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled up and out, saving the chicken's life.

The moral of the story?

(Yep. You betcha. There is a moral!)



'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks'

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Romantic Canadian Husband.




Man said to his wife "All right you sexy thing, upstairs now"

She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bastard"

He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting, bugger off”

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Today's Joke
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room
in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they
must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about
this
for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off
their
habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there was a
knock
at the door. “Who is it?” called one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replied a
voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and
shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room;
they open the door.

“Nice boobs,” said the man. “Where do you want these
venetian blinds to be hung?”

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PUNOGRAPHY

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

· I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

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