Toronto Maple Leafs
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Toronto Maple Leafs
by retired2 Mon Mar 26, 2012 8:17 pm
A sad; but true commentary!!
What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common ?
A: They both look good, until they hit the ice!
What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a cigarette vending machine ?
A: The vending machine has Players.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common?
A: They both get totally confused, when surrounded by ice.
Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like Canada Post ?
A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver.
Why doesn't Hamilton have an NHL team ?
A: Because then Toronto would want one!
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Argonauts and the Toronto Blue Jays all have in common besides being based in Toronto ?
A: None of them can play hockey.
What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs ?
A: The Toronto Maple Leafs.
How do you keep the Toronto Maple Leafs out of your yard?
A: Put up a goalie net.
What do you call a Toronto Maple Leaf with a Stanley cup ring ?
A: Very old or a thief.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and possums have in common ?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How many Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a Stanley cup ?
A: Nobody knows ... And we may never find out!!
This guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game here ?
My cable is out, and my dog and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, dogs wouldn't be allowed in my bar; but, it's not very busy right now,
so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar.
But, if there's any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game.
Pretty soon, the Leafs manage to score a goal.
The excited dog jumps up on the bar, barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives him a high five.
The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do when they win a game?
The guy answers, "No idea, I've only had him for 3 years!"
The last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley cup most of their fans were in diapers.
Coincidentally, the next time they win it, those same fans likely will be back in diapers, again!
What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common ?
A: They both look good, until they hit the ice!
What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a cigarette vending machine ?
A: The vending machine has Players.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common?
A: They both get totally confused, when surrounded by ice.
Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like Canada Post ?
A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver.
Why doesn't Hamilton have an NHL team ?
A: Because then Toronto would want one!
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Argonauts and the Toronto Blue Jays all have in common besides being based in Toronto ?
A: None of them can play hockey.
What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs ?
A: The Toronto Maple Leafs.
How do you keep the Toronto Maple Leafs out of your yard?
A: Put up a goalie net.
What do you call a Toronto Maple Leaf with a Stanley cup ring ?
A: Very old or a thief.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and possums have in common ?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How many Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a Stanley cup ?
A: Nobody knows ... And we may never find out!!
This guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game here ?
My cable is out, and my dog and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, dogs wouldn't be allowed in my bar; but, it's not very busy right now,
so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar.
But, if there's any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game.
Pretty soon, the Leafs manage to score a goal.
The excited dog jumps up on the bar, barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives him a high five.
The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do when they win a game?
The guy answers, "No idea, I've only had him for 3 years!"
The last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley cup most of their fans were in diapers.
Coincidentally, the next time they win it, those same fans likely will be back in diapers, again!
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Re: Toronto Maple Leafs
by retired2 Tue Mar 27, 2012 9:28 am
The bastards have started again...
I had two Leaf Tickets lying on the dash of my truck, some asshole broke in and left two more; lock your car doors!
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Re: Toronto Maple Leafs
by retired2 Tue Mar 27, 2012 7:21 pm
Is Sex Work? . . .
A Canadian Army N.C.O. was about to start the morning
briefing to all of his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing,
the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night
before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of
sound sleep.
He posed the question; "How much of the act of sex is
"work," and how much is "pure pleasure"?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'.
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the N.C.O. turned to the Newfie Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was
HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded, "Sir,
it has to be 100% pleasure, Sir."
The N.C.O.. a little surprised and as you might guess, said
"And why is that soldier" ?
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir".
The room fell silent.
God Bless the Newfie.
========================================
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately after just a few years, they are in financial trouble In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home"
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 no less. After paying him she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "its just 99 cents a word" after paying for the bull,the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word'comfortable'"
The operator shakes his head, "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch, if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?
The brunette explains, "The word's big. She'll read it very slowly --com-for-da-bull".
=====================================
Female Humor! After you read the message about the pilots, please find time to read the quote of the day--it is so perfect.
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'
A Canadian Army N.C.O. was about to start the morning
briefing to all of his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing,
the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night
before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of
sound sleep.
He posed the question; "How much of the act of sex is
"work," and how much is "pure pleasure"?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'.
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the N.C.O. turned to the Newfie Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was
HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded, "Sir,
it has to be 100% pleasure, Sir."
The N.C.O.. a little surprised and as you might guess, said
"And why is that soldier" ?
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir".
The room fell silent.
God Bless the Newfie.
========================================
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately after just a few years, they are in financial trouble In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home"
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 no less. After paying him she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "its just 99 cents a word" after paying for the bull,the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word'comfortable'"
The operator shakes his head, "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch, if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?
The brunette explains, "The word's big. She'll read it very slowly --com-for-da-bull".
=====================================
Female Humor! After you read the message about the pilots, please find time to read the quote of the day--it is so perfect.
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'
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Re: Toronto Maple Leafs
by retired2 Tue Mar 27, 2012 8:15 pm
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Norwegian man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab. She said to him: "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old man said:- "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, dat vould not be proper vair I come from".
She said: "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He said: "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride ?
The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Norwegian man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab. She said to him: "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old man said:- "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, dat vould not be proper vair I come from".
She said: "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He said: "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride ?
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Re: Toronto Maple Leafs
by retired2 Wed Mar 28, 2012 11:42 am
Proposed Retractable Roof for the Maple Leafs...new Areana
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Re: Toronto Maple Leafs
by kishgo Thu Mar 29, 2012 3:54 pm
Hilarious. Loved the lady wearing the jersey to bed!!
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Re: Toronto Maple Leafs
by observer Fri Mar 30, 2012 5:44 pm
C'mon retired - how are they EVER going to get their confidence back if you keep slamming them like this? 
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