Daddy's car in the woods?

[retired2]

Daddy's car in the woods?




Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[retired2]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled

out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.



When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."



Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

[retired2]

Naughty - ALCOHOL: BAD FOR THE LEGS

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Jane sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Jane: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Jane: "No, they spread ."

[retired2]

What a Shame



There will be no Nativity Scene in Ottawa this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Parliament Hill this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason.


They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.


A search for a Virgin continues.


There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable

[retired2]

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came
upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,"

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked,
"Will you take my bike in trade for it ?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and,
after
riding the bike around a little while,
he said,"Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled
on the
rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't
get
this
mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it
to
get it
started."

The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I
became
A Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss .."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just
keep
pulling
on that rope . It'll come back to ya .."

[retired2]

First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

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