Mathematics:

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Mathematics:


This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 2021 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its theBullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male,
fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a
drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, he failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .. 'I said:
'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.'

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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won the Stanley Cup!"

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SARCASM AT ITS BEST



A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.


The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with
a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a
virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of
it. About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something
wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came
over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"

High Urinals !

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred
horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.


When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one
of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees'
to direct the flow away from their clothes.


As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must
be in the 5th!

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Streak in the 7th, but I do
appreciate your help.'

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David Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his
wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says
to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away,
she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been
such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."

(Drum roll)


Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck had a newspaper
route."

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