Sunday funnies

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Catholic Hairdryer



THIS IS PRICELESS!



In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:



Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.



An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'



'Of course child. What may I do for you?'



'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'



'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'



'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'



When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'



'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'



The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'



'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'



Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

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At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one
point. The question was, “where do women mostly have curly hair”?
Apparently, the correct answer was Africa.



A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."



Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the
lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.

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A group of women were at a seminar on
"How to live in a loving relationship with your husband."
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

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'Football ' and the Blonde

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best -- because it makes football make sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

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