STARTLING NEWS

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STARTLING NEWS



FULL BODY SCANS AT CANADIAN AIRPORTS:

CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results

December 2012 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :

Terrorists Discovered


0

Transvestites


133

Hernias


1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases


3,172

Enlarged Prostates


8,249

Breast Implants


59,350

Natural Blondes


3





It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.....





Thought you'd like to know.

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The Test.

Today I swung my front door wide open and placed my Stevens 320 (a shotgun) right in the doorway. I gave it 5 shells and left it alone and went about my business. While I was gone, the mailman
delivered my mail, the trash man picked up the trash, a girl walked
her dog down the street, and quite a few of my neighbors drove
past the house.
After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there,
right where I had left it. It hadn't killed anyone, even with the
numerous opportunities it had been presented with to do so. In fact,
it hadn't even loaded itself!
Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people. Either the media is wrong, and it is the misuse of guns by PEOPLE that kills people, or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in the world.
All right, well I’m off to check on my spoons.
I hear they’re making people fat . . . . .

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A recent article in the Standard Times reported that a woman,

one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after

her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.



A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct his eyesight."

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These are all original quotes from Phyllis Diller. A lot practical , and every one straight from the hip !!!!


Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. Phyllis Diller

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FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP


>
> gas station owner near Camden, Alabama was trying to increase his sales... s
> o he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
>
>
> Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
>
> The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
>
> The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were so close! The number was 7. Sorry... No sex this time."
>
> A week later, the same local redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
>
> The proprietor gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
>
>
> The redneck guessed 2 this time.
>
> The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were so close, but NO free sex this time."
>
> As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED , and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
>
>
>
> Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It can't be rigged...
> My WIFE won twice last week!"
>

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Football Boots

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '£ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '£ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's ten times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

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Male Logic

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
Month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have
Been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
For compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

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