Lions & sex

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Lions & sex



Two friends are drinking in a small bar in Lynbrook.



Fred says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night!"



"Ah, shit", says Bob. "I just joined the Kiwanis".

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Two women are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a

while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think,

from listening to ya, that you're from Ireland .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Aye, I surely am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland

are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did ya

live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A loovely little area. It was in the

west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and begorrah, it's a small world.

So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart

of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!

Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see.

I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling

down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding

up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated

from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down,

and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his

head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Flanagan twins are drunk again.'

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Taking down the bird feeder. This is the best analogy yet!

Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution for the mess that America/Canada are now in economically & politically..





I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
everywhere: on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table .
everywhere!

Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own
pocket.

And others birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
it used to be ..... quiet, serene....
and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.

Now let's see......
Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care and free
education, and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic
citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the
tens of thousands. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for
free services; small apartments
are housing 5 families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than ”The Maple Leaf” are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
to take down the bird feeder.

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A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer
answers in relief. "I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

"I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,"
the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers.
"I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're
all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states.
"When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun,
"I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
"Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock.
"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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The Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kin d of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls..You must be a POLITICIAN'

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