Is Sex Work or Pleasure?

[retired2]

Is Sex Work or Pleasure?

A regimental commander was about to start the morning brief with his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, he decided to pose a question to his officers. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question, "How much of sex was work, and how much of it was pleasure?"

The deputy commanding officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A captain said it was 50-50.

The colonel's aide and a couple of lieutenants responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on ones state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?

Without hesitation, the young man responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir," the young man said, "if there was any work involved, you officers would have me doing it for you!"

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My Mother Taught Me…
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home!”

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me.”

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

7. My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

10.My Mother taught me about SEX….
“How do you think you got here?”

11.My Mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You’re just like your father.”

12.My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

13.My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

14.And my all time favorite… JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….Then you’ll see what it’s like.”

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These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you *beep* me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.