A 54 year old woman

[retired2]

A 54 year old woman had
a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.           

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"              

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
Live."        

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.                    

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.    
           
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"          


God replied: "I didn't recognize you."     
 
 
Moral of the story:  God loves you the way you are.

[retired2]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

 

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
she happily sits upon her rocking chair,
watching the world go by from her front porch,
with a cat named Bob for companionship.

 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere,
appeared the fairy godmother.

 

Cinderella said,
"Fairy Godmother,
what are you doing here after all these years?"

 

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella,
you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed,
and after some thoughtful consideration,
she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks,
and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

 

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body,
and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the
beauty and youth I once had."



At once, her wish became reality,
and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her
that had been dormant for years.

 

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish;
what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat
in the corner and says:
"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat,
into a kind, and handsome, young man."



Magically,
Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental
a change in his biological make-up,
that when he stood before her,
he was a man so beautiful,
the likes of him neither she,
nor the world, had ever seen.

 

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella,
enjoy your new life."

And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone
as suddenly as she appeared.

 

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella
looked into each other's eyes.

 

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,
stunningly perfect man, she had ever seen.

 

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella,
who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,
& held her close in his young muscular arms.

 

He leaned in close,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath,
as he whispered ...
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered"

[retired2]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

... She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[retired2]

Kentucky Post Article

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."

[Rick Wisson]

I like the last joke.

[retired2]

I'm sorry you didn't like the others:

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