What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?

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The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body
part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be
asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and
they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

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3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.

Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it
I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand..
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner..
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

[retired2]

Ed the Chicken


>
> Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
>
> He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
>
> Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
>
> St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
>
> Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..
>
> A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
>
> 'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
>
> 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
>
> 'Never,' said Ed.
>
> 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
>
> He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..
>
> As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
>
> "Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!"
>
> Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

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Paper is not dead!!
Is everyone trying to get you to go paper less!
Third & last try!! JEE

http://vimeo.com/61275290

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5 good lessons!!



The 5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

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ANOTHER, CUP OF COFFEE PLEASE Can you explain thus one ?

http://videos2view.net/coffee-trick.htm

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Stay Young My Friend

We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are.

;
HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1.. Try everything twice.
On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)



3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever...
Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.


5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.



6.. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips..
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

I love you, my special friend!



11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance..

And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares? But do share this with someone.


Remember! Lost time can never be found.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Wine does not make you FAT .... it makes you LEAN ....
(against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)

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A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"

Get in line."


Dear Lord,
I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death

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Good laugh…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/vhnLk3TJWFY?rel=0

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Canadian Wish List

Borders: Closed to illegal immigrants!

Illegal boats: Stopped.

Parliament: Obey its own laws.
Make politicians keep their promises or have them disqualified from further election.
No programs scheduled to start past the next election.

Dual Citizenship: Abolished (you're either Canadian or something else. If you're something else, be a visitor then leave)
Language: English or French only

Culture: Respect the Canadian culture and stop trying to change it to the mess that you left back home. Stop trying to change us!

Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before Welfare!

NO Freebies to Non-Citizens! : Look after Canadians BEFORE donating to other countries.
No Canadian welfare for any country that is developing nukes or spending more than a reasonable amount on arms.

Maybe 86% will send this on - should be 100%. What will you do?

[gale force]

Welcome back Retired2. You've been missed!!

[growler]

it's been a long time waiting for my chuckle !
glad your back,and hopefully in great health !

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