A few good ones

[retired2]

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, dearie," said the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy." The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Dammit, you lazy wench, where's my whiskey? Get moving ." Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the first officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane. As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls.

* * * * *

As I sit in the hot tub with a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion: a year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

* * * * *

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

[retired2]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,

"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[retired2]

[gale force]

[Rick Wisson]

Is that your photo R2.

[retired2]

Here’s your Scripture for the day .......


For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed two
new laws - gay marriage and legalised marijuana. The fact that
gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes
perfect Biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says "If a man lies
with another man they should be stoned ..

" We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!"

[retired2]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search
continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,
"Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.



"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner,
"but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"

[retired2]

Is that your photo R2.

Taken last summer

[retired2]

The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'



You're gonna LOVE me for this....



The third piggy says -


'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[retired2]

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns
Over Women


And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

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