Maple Leafs

[retired2]

[retired2]

Good medical advice:


1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.



SO, REMEMBER ...



Fasting is good for health & may the good Lord cleanse your dirty mind.

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As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself.

I've become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until
4 AM, or sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 &70's,
and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging
body, and I will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the
pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as
well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not
break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when
somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us
strength, and understanding, and compassion.

A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray (which I cover up),
and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair
could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what
other people think.

I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like
the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am
still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying
about what will be.

And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

[retired2]

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman

*****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr

*****

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan

*****

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden

*****

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz

*****

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson

*****

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante

*****

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

*****

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright

*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell

*****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts

*****

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters

*****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

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