typed by Medical secretaries

[retired2]

A ship in harbor is safe but that is not what ships are for
>
>
> These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Hospitals Greater Glasgow, Scotland:
> 1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
>
>
>
> 2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
>
>
>
> 3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
>
>
>
> 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
>
>
>
> 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
>
>
>
> 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
>
>
>
> 7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
>
>
>
> 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
>
>
>
> 9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
>
>
>
> 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
>
>
>
> 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
>
>
>
> 12. She is numb from her toes down.
>
>
>
> 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
>
>
>
> 14. The skin was moist and dry.
>
>
>
> 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
>
>
>
> 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
>
>
>
> 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
>
>
>
> 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
>
>
>
> 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
>
>
>
> 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
>
>
>
> 21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
>
>
>
> 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
>
>
>
> 23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
>
>
>
> 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
>
>
>
> 25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
>
>
>
> 26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
>
>
> .
> 27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
>
>
>
> 28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
>
>
>
> 29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
>
>
>
> 30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
>
>
>
> 31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
>
>
>
> 32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
>
>
>
> 33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

[retired2]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'


Smile - life is too short not to!!
If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile
Keep spreading the Cheer.
See you at the river!
Bring your own glass!

[retired2]

This guy thought he was having a bad day before he got home


>
>
>
>
> TWENTY DOLLAR
> On their wedding night, the young bride
> Approached her new husband and asked
> For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
> Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
> Her husband readily agreed.
> This scenario was repeated each time they made
> Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
> Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
> She needed.
> Arriving home around noon one day, she was
> Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
> During the next few minutes, he explained that
> His employer was going through a process of corporate
> Downsizing, and he had been let go.
>
>
> It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
> Another position that paid anywhere near what
> He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
>
>
> Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
> Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
> Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
> By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
> And informed him that they
> Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
>
>
> She explained that for more than
> Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
> These holdings had multiplied and these were the
> Results of her savings and investments.
>
> Faced with evidence of cash and investments
> Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
> Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
> 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
> I would have given you all my business!'
>
> That's when she unlocked the cabinet, took out the pistol, and shot him.
>
> You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
> To keep their mouths shut
>
>

[Sponsored content]