football humor

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football humor

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
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Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
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What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?


Drool.
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How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
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How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
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Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
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A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
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If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
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How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
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What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
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University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress
half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
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How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
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Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
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How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

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Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'EconomicStimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:




* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,Honduras and Guatemala ..



* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .




* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

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IT'S ALWAYS THE HUSBAND'S FAULT.

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious... Here she is –- in the middle of dealing with this crisis in the middle east, now this has happened to her!


She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "You B------!! How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this ! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault !............Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She scream s again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper:

“Who’s speaking?”

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Magic sandals…..

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.



The Jamaican began screaming:



'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a

funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless

man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a

pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar

with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,

I didn't stop for directions.



I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently

gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the

diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.



I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the

side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in

place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played

out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like

I've never played before for this homeless man.



And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,

I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes

and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.



As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in

septic tanks for twenty years."



Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a man thing.

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TIP FROM AN OLD MAN

When you see a woman....
And want her badly....
Please consider the following....



No matter how beautiful she is.....

No matter how sexy she is....

No matter how seductive she is...

No matter how huge her breasts are...




I've completely forgotten where I was going with this...

SORRY FOR WASTING YOUR TIME!

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
...
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

[growler]

MY FEELING'S EGZACTLEE !
BUT IT'S BEEEEN ALMOSSED 40 YEEEAAARS AND BOY THEY ARE LONGG !

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Pantyhose Riddle
Q: How many animals can you fit into a
Pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it...
Ready? Scroll down, you'll love this..........

DON’T GO ANY FURTHER UNTIL YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT………….. J



















Answer:
10 little piggy's,
2 calves,
1 ass,
and an unknown number of hares,
Come on, you know you're laughing!
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.

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Just saying goodbye... leaving town


To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegal aliens) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.




Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap... I'll see you on the bus!

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