A Scotsman moves to Canada

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A Scotsman moves to Canada Empty A Scotsman moves to Canada

Post by retired2 on Fri Jul 20, 2012 7:43 pm

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and
then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run"

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again
cheers "RUN RUN". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins
screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk."

The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and
screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!"

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back
down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and
explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
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Post by retired2 on Fri Jul 20, 2012 7:44 pm

Two Welsh Girls in a Pub....



I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.....



I noticed two very large women by the bar.



They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"



One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!!"



So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry,.... Are you two whales from Scotland ?"





That's all I remember
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Post by retired2 on Fri Jul 20, 2012 7:45 pm



What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....
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Post by retired2 on Fri Jul 20, 2012 7:46 pm

An American tourist in a small village he was visiting in Newfoundland , approached a local person and asked, 'What's the quickest way to Marystown?'

Donny, the local, scratched his head, 'Are ya walkin er drivin?' he asked the stranger.

'I'm driving' said the stranger.

Donny replied, 'Den dat's de quickest way'

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Post by retired2 on Fri Jul 20, 2012 7:47 pm


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean .... it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?
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Post by retired2 on Fri Jul 20, 2012 7:48 pm

Canadian Drunks have the best sense of humor

Drunks have the best sense of humor EH !!!!!


A drunk from Crinkle Cove, Newfoundland walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A Mountie on the beat sees him and approaches,


"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the Newfie replies.

The Mountie asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the Newfie replies.

About that time the Mountie looks down and sees the man's willyhanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk Newfie looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy shit! Me girlfriend's gone, too!!
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Post by retired2 on Fri Jul 20, 2012 8:50 pm


After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

'Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.

'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
'You want me to do all this, and then you tell me.......

I CAN'T PRAY?
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