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Post by retired2 on Thu Jun 07, 2012 12:36 pm

Irish Taxi Driver

A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver
a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed,
lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb,
and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'Be-Jesus, I'm sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.'
The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a
mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.The driver replied,
' Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab I've been
driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
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Post by retired2 on Thu Jun 07, 2012 12:36 pm

A Nun Grading Papers
>
>
> CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE
> WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
>
> PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE
> EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC
> ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
>
> KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING
> STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN
> RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
>
>
> 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE
> WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
>
> 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF
> ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
>
> 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING
> THE NIGHT.
>
> 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE
> WITH
> UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
>
> 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE
> DELILAH.
>
> 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,
> WHICH
> IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
>
> 8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP
> TOMOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
>
> 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
>
> 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
>
> 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHEDCANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN
> THEBATTLE OF GERITOL.
>
> 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND
> STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
>
> 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT
> THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES..
>
> 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
>
> 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
>
> 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN
> THE MANAGER.
>
> 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
>
> 18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
>
> 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE
> THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
>
> 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE
> TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
>
> 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
>
> 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
>
> 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
>
> 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS
> ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
>
> 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
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Post by retired2 on Thu Jun 07, 2012 12:40 pm

Lee Trevino: a true story, you gotta love him.

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino,
a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas,

Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house,
lowered the window and asked,

" Excuse me, do you speak English ?"
Lee responded, " Yes Ma'am, I do "
The lady then asked, " What do you charge to do yard work ? "
Lee said, " Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her ".

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
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Post by retired2 on Thu Jun 07, 2012 2:35 pm

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
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Post by retired2 on Thu Jun 07, 2012 8:45 pm

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you:Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4.Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ...Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9.Men are like .... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11 Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12! Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
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Post by retired2 on Thu Jun 07, 2012 8:48 pm

ELECTRIC FENCE / LAWN MOWER





If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one youshould read this.



The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.



If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this isfunny... and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.



We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To makesure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single

wire along the top of the fence.



Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft.into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in theground, the better the fence works..



One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact

that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.



It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.



Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger isabout the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow

on fire on the cover.



Time stood still.



The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side ofmy body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled

over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the

engine.



It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.



Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM

BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.



At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.

I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like

9 volts and just kinda tickled.



This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the

lawnmower runs out of gas.



'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!



Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die...

Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.



So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own

stupidity had created.



I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.



I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.



There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..



Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:



1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.



2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).



3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.



4 - My left eye will not open.



5 - My right eye will not close.



6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.



7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.



8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).



That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.



The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check

before I mow.
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Post by gale force on Fri Jun 08, 2012 8:16 am

lol! lol! lol!
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Post by growler on Fri Jun 08, 2012 2:41 pm

Irish Taxi Driver 580207494 Irish Taxi Driver 580207494 Irish Taxi Driver 580207494 Irish Taxi Driver 580207494
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