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Post by retired2 on Mon Jun 04, 2012 9:55 pm

Newfie raffle



A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks at him and says,
"What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do wit dat, bye? We lives on a farm.
There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere."


He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."...


Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit.
He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the
middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.


He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him,

"What the frig are you doin'?"


His brother calls back,

"I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'm a doin'?"



His brother yells back,

"Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like you that gives
Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid.
If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."
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Post by retired2 on Mon Jun 04, 2012 9:56 pm

The husband was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during
the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife,
"What's for supper?"
"WHAT?!? You sit in the air conditioning all day while I'm out
here working?!? I can't believe you have the nerve to ask me
about supper right now! Tell you what -- imagine I'm out of town.

Go inside and figure out dinner for yourself."

The husband went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak
with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally finished the lawn and walked in about the time he
was finishing up. "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

His viewing is Monday from 2-4 and 7-9. His funeral is Tuesday.
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Post by retired2 on Mon Jun 04, 2012 9:56 pm

What's in a name?



The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working in an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

A good clean joke is hard to find these days - pass it on!

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Post by retired2 on Mon Jun 04, 2012 9:57 pm

Life from the seat of a tractor..

An old Farmer's Words of Wisdom we could all live by.......



Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered¦....not yelled.

Meanness don't just happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.



Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timin' has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply, love generously, care deeply,

Speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.
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Post by retired2 on Mon Jun 04, 2012 9:57 pm

Wisdom of An Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she appears out of nowhere.'
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Post by retired2 on Mon Jun 04, 2012 9:58 pm

When people ask what you learned today .....



Manure... An interesting fact



Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.



It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!



Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.


Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.
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Post by retired2 on Mon Jun 04, 2012 9:59 pm

Hard to argue with this:

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it’d be nice to have another baby".

You never hear a man say "I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts".
Case closed
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Post by retired2 on Mon Jun 04, 2012 10:01 pm

Urgent Warning for Tomorrow
Newfie raffle Image019
ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH TOMORROW.
THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL SEXY, GOOD LOOKING "OLD" PEOPLE.
I'M JUST E-MAILING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE.
I'VE GOT TO GO PACK.
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