After Quasimodo's death

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Post by retired2 on Sun May 20, 2012 9:59 am

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris, France sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was urgently needed..

The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills over a long period, he decided to call it a day and to continue the interviewing process the following day. Just then, an armless Frenchman approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's
job.The Bishop was incredulous.

'But, You have no arms, Monsieur !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe me, Excellency !' And, pushing his way past the Bishop, he began striking the bells with his ugly face, producing a most beautiful melody on the carillon. The
Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had found a sensational
replacement for Quasimodo.

But ,suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bells again in encore, the armless Frenchman tripped over a mallet and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street far below.

The stunned Bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps
to reached the street. A crowd had by now gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments
before.


As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop sir, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the Bishop sadly replied........


( scroll down .......)







' ................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL !'


WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more....

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother
of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this
very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me
to replace him in this duty.'

The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a heavy mallet to strike the first
bell, he
groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died of heart
failure on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of anguish at this second
shocking tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked,
breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the now distraught Bishop, 'but...'




(. . . Wait for it ...).........




(.. . . It's worth it.. ...)......




'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER…...'
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Post by retired2 on Sun May 20, 2012 10:02 am

Why we love children...


NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read,

'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.

MORE NUDITY



A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst

into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,



'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,

I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.

'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.

Is that right?'

'Yes, that's right,' I told her.

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me,

'would you please tie my shoe?'

POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back

of the van.

Finally he said, 'What'd he do?

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches

to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter

on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances

of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth

soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,

she merely turned and whispered,

'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.

When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,

'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,

our minister heard the intoning of a prayer

that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates

had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed,

they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers

and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

'Glory be unto the Father,

and unto the Son,

and into the hole he goes.'

(I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.

'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'



BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible.

He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.

He picked up the object and looked at it.

What he saw was an old leaf

that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice,

he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
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Post by retired2 on Sun May 20, 2012 10:03 am

A BLOKE SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR & SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE,

"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!"

SHE SHOUTS BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! "
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Post by retired2 on Sun May 20, 2012 10:03 am

Lubricant


Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!


'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'


Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened
during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children,
he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline
and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f”” kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A smile is a sign of joy.

A hug is a sign of love.

A laugh is a sign of happiness.

And a friend like me… ??

Shit, That's just a sign of good taste.!!
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Post by retired2 on Sun May 20, 2012 10:04 am

ONLY A GRANDMOTHER WOULD KNOW... ~A Cup of Tea ~ One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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Post by retired2 on Sun May 20, 2012 10:05 am

Subject: WISE LADY
An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's
Vineyard. She slipped and fell.

Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She
thanked him and he answered

"It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your
president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election?"

The elderly woman laughed and replied:

''You know ... I fell on my ass, not on my head...”
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