A Nun at Hooters

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Post by Cuttin Bait on Tue Apr 24, 2012 8:37 am

A Nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'


Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.


However, when the revelers saw the Nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?


The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'


' Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the Nun. So the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the restaurant.


After a few minutes, she came back, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the Nun a loud round of applause.


She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'


'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'


'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled Nun.


'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.


Now, how about that drink?
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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 24, 2012 9:19 am

Drunk On The Toilet ...

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the
bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells' "You're scaring the
hell out of all my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I
try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts!"

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're
sitting on the mop bucket!"
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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 24, 2012 11:38 am

They are old but worth a chuckle

IDIOT SIGHTING...



YOU will love the one toward the end..."the dash don't need be silent"





I handed the Teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00. I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size" When I got up off the floor I tried to explain it to her.... (Oh! Just never mind. You can't fix STUPID )


IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already got that side..'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4..
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than Two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's....

Better yet go to Burger King

IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

-- From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'IF it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our Manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun.

We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.



IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, could not understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING

How would YOU pronounce this child's name? " Le-a "
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.


Her Mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

So, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to "pronounce the dash."


If dey axe you why, tell dem da dash don't be silent.



Then there's my personal favorite

My Dad was in the hospital in NYC, my Mom and I decided to take a break and go out for a cup of coffee. We went for a walk and found a small shop, we both ordered coffee, my Mom asking that hers be black. The server went behind the counter, looked all around, then into the kitchen. When he returned, he very apologetically told her that he was sorry,

the only coffee they had was BROWN.

Please!! Be careful ~ STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and they VOTE!
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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 24, 2012 4:21 pm

They Walk Among Us!----------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without
anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read:
'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it!..... They walk among us!
-------------------------------------
I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said “would you like some fries with that?”
--------------------------
One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

----------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime.
She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch
in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office
and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
---------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates,
that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, they walk among us!
----------------------------------------
Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.
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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 24, 2012 4:32 pm

A Nun at Hooters  Mime-a14
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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 24, 2012 4:33 pm

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"














Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 24, 2012 4:34 pm

Brain Study....

Wow! It took me a few seconds, but then I got the hang of it...I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers.

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:


7H15 M3554G3

53RV35 7O PR0V3

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

Y0UR M1ND 1S

R34D1NG 17

4U70M471C4LLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

U C4N R34D 7H15.

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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 24, 2012 4:35 pm

Clients Suck! genuine complaints from Thomas Cook customers (via Neil Asher)

Listing some guests' complaints during the season.

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel
"inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We are trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad'"

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
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Post by Rick Wisson on Tue Apr 24, 2012 6:35 pm

Some how i believe some of the stuff you posted Retired.
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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 24, 2012 6:42 pm

Thats because everything I post is the absolute truth
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Post by observer on Tue Apr 24, 2012 8:45 pm

I LUV the idiot stuff - cause you KNOW it actually happened. The more ridiculous - the more likely it is to be true!
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