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Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 14, 2012 4:08 pm

TSA Year End


From scans to pat-downs, the TSA has its fans and detractors. But here is the report...

The Year 2011 is over. Homeland Security has provided their end-of-the-year statistics on airport screenings here in the U.S. It is truly amazing what those full-body scanners have shown.

* Terrorist Plots Discovered: 0
* Transvestites: 743
* Enlarged Prostates: 19,249
* Breast Implants: 209,350
* Colon problems: 27,298
* Natural Blondes: 3
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Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 14, 2012 4:09 pm

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all entered a 26 mile long swimming race.
After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out.
Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out.
After 25 miles the Irish man decides he can't finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to the start.
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Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 14, 2012 4:10 pm

Daddy , How was I Born??







A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We then sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There, your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down ... You'll love this ...


'You Got Male!
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Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 14, 2012 4:10 pm

GOLFER AT THE DENTIST



This one may bring a little mist to your eyes...only a golfer would understand



A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him
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Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 14, 2012 4:11 pm

THE LAW IS THE LAW!

I really love this one. This is one of the better e-mails I have received in a long time !

I hope this makes its way around Canada several times over!

So Be It!

THE LAW IS THE LAW

So if the Canadian government determines that it is against the law for the words 'under God' to be on our money, then, so be it.

And if that same government decides that the 'Ten Commandments' are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

I say, 'so be it,' because I would like to be a law-abiding Canadian citizen.

I say, 'so be it,' because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.

I would like to think that those people have the Canadian public's best interests at heart.


BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

Since we can't pray to God,
Can't Trust in God and
Cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings,


I don't believe that the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that
Our Government is eliminating from many facets of Canadian life.

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving, and Easter.


After all, it's just another day.


I'd like the 'Canadian Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving, and Easter, as well as Sundays.'
After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the Senate and the House of Commons
To not have to worry about getting home for the 'Christmas Break'.
After all, it's just another day.


I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved,
If all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday, and Easter.

It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be

'politically correct'.

In fact....

I think that our government should work on Sundays
(initially set aside for worshipping God...)
Because, after all, our government says that it should be
Just another day.

What do you all think????

If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials
Will stop giving in to the 'minority opinions' and begin, once again, to represent the 'MAJORITY' of ALL the Canadian people.
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Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 14, 2012 4:11 pm

TEL AVIV, Israel

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but WILL detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. I t will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London."

BRILLIANT!!
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Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 14, 2012 4:12 pm

You know the honeymoon is over,when the comedians start.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be
appropriate.
--Jay Leno


America needs Obama-care like Nancy
Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno


Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you
has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien


Q: What does Barack Obama call
lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno


Q: What's the difference between
Obama's

cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society. The other is for housing
prisoners.
--David Letterman


Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were
on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon


Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel


Q: What was the most

positive result
of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper
stickers off the road.
--David Letterman



Solution to the problem in Egypt : They want a new Muslim leader,
Give them ours.
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Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 14, 2012 4:14 pm

My job search

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.



2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,

but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.



3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,

but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.



4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.



5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,

but just didn't have the thyme.



6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,

but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.



7. My best job was a Musician,


but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.



8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,

but didn't have any patience.



9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.

Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


10. I became a Professional Fisherman,

but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.



11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,

but the work was just too draining.


12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,

but they said I wasn't fit for the job..



13. After many years of trying to find steady work,

I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, Description:

but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT



AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
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Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 14, 2012 4:15 pm

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
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