The six best affairs...

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The six best affairs...

Post by retired2 on Mon Jun 08, 2015 5:48 pm

[size=32]The 1st Affair[/size] 
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.


One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.


Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.


The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.


He put on his shoes and drove home.


'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.


'I can't lie to you,' he replied,


'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

 
She looked down at his shoes and said:
 
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
 
[size=32]
The 2nd Affair[/size]

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.


They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.


The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.


He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.


He told his wife:


'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
 
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
 
[size=32]
The 3rd Affair[/size]

A mortician was working late one night.


He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!


'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'


So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.


'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
 
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
 
 
 
 

The 4th Affair


A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.


'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'


She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.


'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'


'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.


'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'


No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.


Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.


'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair


A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.


'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'


'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.


He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'


'A nickel,' the barman replied.


'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'


The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
 
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
 
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
 
 
 
 
[size=48]
The 6th & Best Affair[/size]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.


He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'


'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.


'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
 
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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Re: The six best affairs...

Post by Rick Wisson on Mon Jun 08, 2015 7:40 pm

Good ones .
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Re: The six best affairs...

Post by retired2 on Mon Jun 08, 2015 8:29 pm

A mother was working in the kitchen

 
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
 
She heard the train stop & her son saying........''All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we are going down the tracks.''
 
The horrified mother went in and told her son, ''We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.''
 
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, ''All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one.'' She hears the little boy continue, For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.''
 
As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
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Re: The six best affairs...

Post by retired2 on Mon Jun 08, 2015 8:29 pm

  
 
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.                          
 
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
 
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
 
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
 
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
 
Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
 
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
 
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
 
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
 
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
 
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
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Re: The six best affairs...

Post by retired2 on Mon Jun 08, 2015 8:31 pm

Statistics recently released from The United Nations  reveal that: 
·         Australian,  Canadian, UK and US men  between 50 and 75 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year.
 
·       This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
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Re: The six best affairs...

Post by gale force on Mon Jun 08, 2015 9:37 pm

Welcome home from vacation!! cheers
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