A few laughs

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A few laughs

Post by retired2 on Sun Jan 18, 2015 1:49 pm

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

" I want to live forever", I said.
"Sorry", said the fairy, "I can't grant wishes like that."

I said, "Okay I want to die when Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley cup.
"you crafty bugger," she said !


Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.



Dorothy:

"That nice Tommy Dickson asked me out for a date.

I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with

you about him before I give him my  answer."



Edna:

"Well, I'll tell you.  He shows up at my apartment punctually at

7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such

beautiful flowers!  Then he takes me downstairs.  And what's there; a

limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner;

a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show.  Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I

could have just died from pleasure!  So then we  are coming back to my

apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears

off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"



Dorothy:

"Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"



Edna:

"No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."


Why Women Make Better Assassins

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair. "






Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older:

Number 9   -  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8   -  Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7   -  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6   -  Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart.   If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5   -  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4   -  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3   -  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2   -  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1   -  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

...and as someone recently said to me:

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.















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