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Post by Cuttin Bait on Mon Apr 09, 2012 6:08 pm

WHICH PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one
morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to
Heaven...which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her
hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think
it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray,
you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes
your hands first." "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Oscar raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's
your legs." The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her
face. "Now Oscar, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Oscar said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's
bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the
air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't
pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted!
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Post by observer on Mon Apr 09, 2012 6:23 pm

lol!
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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:07 pm

A Woman's Story



This story is from a woman



He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am, all done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."
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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:10 pm

Waiting
With breathless anticipation the crowd awaits the unveiling of the
Dalton McGuinty Statue.
Kids again 00c20110
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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:35 pm


SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!



HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 10, 2012 8:03 pm

Should A Child Witness Childbirth???

Here's your answer:
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Matthew, a 5-yr old boy to hold a flashlight high over his mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Matthew did as he was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Matthew for his help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what he thought about what he had just witnessed.

Matthew quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. ........spank his ass again!

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
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Post by Rick Wisson on Tue Apr 10, 2012 8:29 pm

Smile That kinda reminds me of Art Linklater ( hope I got his last name correct) of kids say the darnedest things.
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