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[Rick Wisson]

Zingers
~ "His belt isn't inserted through all the loops."
~ "An intellect rivaled only by garden tools."
~ "As smart as bait."
~ "Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash."
~ "Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor."
~ "Her sewing machine's out of thread."
~ "His HD antenna doesn't pick up all the channels."
~ "She's all foam, no beer."
~ "He's missing a few buttons on his remote control."

[Ruby Tuesday]

One slice short of a loaf.
His chimney doesn't go all the way to the top.
One float short of a parade.
Not the sharpest knife in the block (or drawer).
One card short of a deck.
Not playing with a full deck.

[observer]

Are you guys talking about ME? LOL

[Rick Wisson]

1/4 bubble off plumb.

[Rick Wisson]

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between complete” and “finished.” However, during a recent linguistic conference held in London, England and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.
The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”


Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished’
and, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’”

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

[Rick Wisson]

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a terrible hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. Forget about the anesthetic; I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town, and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work." The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man, asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The guy turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

[Rick Wisson]

[Rick Wisson]

[Rick Wisson]

An ambassador from a small African nation visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador whispered in his ear: "One of them's a cannibal."

[Rick Wisson]

A blonde reports for her university final exam, which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within 30 minutes she's all done, while the rest of the class is still working furiously. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening. 'I finished the exam in a half hour,' she replies, 'and as I have more time left, I'm rechecking my answers.'

[Rick Wisson]

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their Hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera For two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- But 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis." After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says,"Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just tryin g to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera . We're going to my parent's house for two weeks." The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus." "Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

[Rick Wisson]

A blind man, deaf man and a lame man went on a pilgrimage to a healing spring. The blind man washed his eyes with water from the spring and exclaimed "I can see! I can see!" The deaf man washed his ears with the spring water and exclaimed "I can hear! I can hear!" The lame man drove his wheelchair into the water and out the other side yelling "I got new tires! I got new tires!"

[Rick Wisson]

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