Grandfathers know everything!

[retired2]

Grandfathers know everything!



Hunter was 9 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids,
when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa,
what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom
and one is on top of the other?'

He was a little taken aback,
but he decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.

Oh, Little Hunter said, 'OK,'
and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse.
It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

[retired2]

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I
sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and
the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The
reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she
would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that
men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other
questions.

Finally
I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than
getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is
way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up
with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more
painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A
year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice
to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my
case.

Time for another beer.

[retired2]

Number 9-
Death is the number one killer in the world.

Number 8-
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7-
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6-
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5-
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4-
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3-
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2-
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1-
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your tail tomorrow.

..and as someone recently said to me:

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

[retired2]

I had to share this good advice.

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!

It involves the shampoo that runs down your body while
You are showering. I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:

“FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME"

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I got rid of
That shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads:

“DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE”

Problem solved.

[Rick Wisson]

I had to share this good advice.

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!

It involves the shampoo that runs down your body while
You are showering. I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo  runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:

“FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME"

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I got rid of
That shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn  Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads:

“DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE”

Problem solved.

Is this true.

[retired2]

Of course, would i post something that was untrue????????
I have been using it for month and look at my picture \ avatar

[retired2]

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING "HEY" OLD WOMAN HAVE YOU EVER DANCED"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S BUTT?

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO."


THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant..
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

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