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Post by retired2 on Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:03 am

World Cup refund

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
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Post by retired2 on Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:05 am

I Met An Older Women At A Bar Last Night

This could have taken place during Stampede Week???


I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hotdaughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.' We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
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Post by retired2 on Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:10 am

Irish Mirror
I hope this brightens up your day

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder ...'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'
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Post by retired2 on Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:29 am



Peeing on the Flowers



A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.



Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”



"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.


"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?"



"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.

Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?"



"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."



"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK.. Good luck!" "Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"



"Not everybody pays."
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Post by retired2 on Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:29 am

A senior just trying to set a password







WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow


15 Second delay.......



WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
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Post by Rick Wisson on Fri Jul 11, 2014 7:13 pm

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace. Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?" "That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins. As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?" "That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."

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