Newfie Anniversary
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Newfie Anniversary
by retired2 Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:30 pm
Newfie Anniversary
George was out shopping at the mall when he met his friend Kevin outside the jewellers.
Kevin noticed that George had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
"So what've you just picked up, George?" Kevin asks.
"Well, now that you've been asking," replies George, "it's me and the missus' anniversary tomorrow. And when I asked her this morning what she wanted for our special day she said, ''Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds.''
"So what'd you get her?" Kevin asks.
George replied, smiling,
"I bought her a deck of cards."
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Newfie Anniversary
by retired2 Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:30 pm
Deep Thoughts
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!
26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!
26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Newfie Anniversary
by retired2 Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:30 pm
Thought you may get a laugh out of this
Royal Canadian Mounted Police - You know people complain about the RCMP,
but you rarely hear about the positive things that they do, such as this one:
Frozen Carburetor: In the fun world of the administration of justice,
not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws
can erupt at almost any time or place.
For example: On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in Northern British
Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who
was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I Can't."
"OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the
carburetor as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the
father of the motorbike rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter.......
Royal Canadian Mounted Police - You know people complain about the RCMP,
but you rarely hear about the positive things that they do, such as this one:
Frozen Carburetor: In the fun world of the administration of justice,
not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws
can erupt at almost any time or place.
For example: On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in Northern British
Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who
was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I Can't."
"OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the
carburetor as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the
father of the motorbike rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter.......
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Newfie Anniversary
by retired2 Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:31 pm
An American tourist was visiting a small village near Fort Mac.
He approached a local person and asked,
"What's the quickest way to Downtown?"
The local, scratched his head,
"Are ya walkin ER drivin?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving," said the stranger.
"Well, that's the quickest way” said the Newfie.
He approached a local person and asked,
"What's the quickest way to Downtown?"
The local, scratched his head,
"Are ya walkin ER drivin?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving," said the stranger.
"Well, that's the quickest way” said the Newfie.
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Newfie Anniversary
by retired2 Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:33 pm
And the boss thought they heard every excuse!!!! Here is a new one!!!
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Ruby Tuesday- Posts : 768
Join date : 2012-02-24
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