Senior church moment.

by retired2 Wed Oct 16, 2013 9:28 pm

Senior church moment.

A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that

will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and

Proclaims, ... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new

Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their

children!’ The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the

Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also

establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his

children!' More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher

stays, .... I will give him sex!' There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say

that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is trying to hide, holding his forehead

with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his

wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said

'Screw him!'

Isn't old age wonderful?

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand

over my mouth. ...... Amen

by retired2 Wed Oct 16, 2013 9:29 pm

50 Shades in Reverse

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling
down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!!
I can't park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

by retired2 Wed Oct 16, 2013 9:29 pm

No speak the English!

A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived
happily ever after in his home town.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to
communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to
shop for groceries .

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She
didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like
a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the
message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say
it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the
butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken
breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

I worry about you Guys sometimes!

by retired2 Wed Oct 16, 2013 9:30 pm

This is what happened at the Newfoundland Golf Tournament.

Mike and Peter are standing on the 18th tee at their Newfoundland Country Club.
They are the final twosome in the Newfoundland Country Club Championship and are tied for the lead.

The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley descending down to a dogleg right.

Both Mike and Peter hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley.

A short time later, the forecaddie (I had to look this term up) appears at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but there's a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist #4s.

Mike and Peter look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number.

They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf balls are
right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of the fairway.

Peter looks at Mike and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out." This is the Newfoundland Country Club Championships and we don't want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball. After all, we are tied for the lead."

Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two #4 Titleist golf balls. He then looks up at Mike and Peter and says,

"Which one of you is playing the orange ball?"