FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE RULES
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FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE RULES
by retired2 Sat Sep 21, 2013 12:38 pm
"Suthnuh"
FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE RULES
Southerners know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southerners know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick
Southerners know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southerners know their religions:
Bapdiss
Methdiss
Football
Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna
Southerners know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Only a Southerner knows the difference between
a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you
don't "HAVE" them,
you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc.,
make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know
the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's
trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece."
They also know that" just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between
a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the
flashing turn signal is actually
going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as
a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines,
and when we're "in line,"... we talk
to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is singular, and y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits,
and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food;
that scrambled eggs just ain't right without Tabasco,
and fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin',"
you know you are in the presence
of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk."
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our
tea unsweetened.
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,
"Bless her sweet little heart"... and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your little heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all this Southern stuff...bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes
on Southernness as a second language!
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fah-evah!
There ain't no magazine named "Northern Living" for good reason. There ain't nobody
interested in livin' up north, nobody would buy the magazine!
If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could.
FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE RULES
Southerners know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southerners know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick
Southerners know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southerners know their religions:
Bapdiss
Methdiss
Football
Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna
Southerners know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Only a Southerner knows the difference between
a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you
don't "HAVE" them,
you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc.,
make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know
the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's
trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece."
They also know that" just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between
a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the
flashing turn signal is actually
going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as
a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines,
and when we're "in line,"... we talk
to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is singular, and y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits,
and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food;
that scrambled eggs just ain't right without Tabasco,
and fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin',"
you know you are in the presence
of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk."
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our
tea unsweetened.
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,
"Bless her sweet little heart"... and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your little heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all this Southern stuff...bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes
on Southernness as a second language!
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fah-evah!
There ain't no magazine named "Northern Living" for good reason. There ain't nobody
interested in livin' up north, nobody would buy the magazine!
If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could.
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE RULES
by retired2 Sat Sep 21, 2013 12:39 pm
The Pilot and the Priest
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who ' s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ' Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, ' I ' m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston . '
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ' Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom. ' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it ' s the priest ' s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ' I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary ' s for the last 43 years. '
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ' Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
' Just a minute, ' says the good father. ' That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results, ' says Saint Peter. ' When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed. '
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who ' s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ' Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, ' I ' m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston . '
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ' Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom. ' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it ' s the priest ' s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ' I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary ' s for the last 43 years. '
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ' Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
' Just a minute, ' says the good father. ' That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results, ' says Saint Peter. ' When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed. '
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE RULES
by retired2 Sat Sep 21, 2013 12:39 pm
Two Irish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside;
"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata,
"I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".
So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and
shouts, "Screw off you little wankers, before I come
over there and rip your balls off"!
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks? Was that cross enough?
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE RULES
by retired2 Sat Sep 21, 2013 12:43 pm
An
elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special
about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24
inches long.
When
the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied
around his penis and on the other end is a weight.After a
while, the weight stretches the penis to 24
inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting
out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How
about we try the African string-and-weight
procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string
and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife
asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment
coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half
way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to
12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
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