: Lucky Bruce

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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children
of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

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Heaven's Clerk

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or
her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely
dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for
her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I
began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man
and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came
rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I
fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He
apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest."

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SCOTTISH WEDDING

At a Scottish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled . . .

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.


Safe
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.



New Book

A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy."




Poor Lance Armstrong -

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my friggin' bike.




Drive By


A guy broke into my apartment last week.

He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick Bastard!!



The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back."


SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought the Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen




Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"
"For f... sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"




Sex Research (could be handy)

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!




EASYJET

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies, "I don't know! It's your bloody plane."




The meaning of life in 13 words . . .

“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened?”

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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are

designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is ‘computer’?'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la
computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.

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The Pilot and the Priest
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden harp and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and harp.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden harp and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden harp and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.


The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said:

'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said:

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied:

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'



A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me??
Hell...that's just a sign of good taste!!

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"Good friends are like quilts-they age with you, yet never lose their warmth."

"Good friends are like quilts-they age with you, yet never lose their warmth."

I am forwarding this to those on my Seniors email list because it is
so well written.

Please send back. (I did) It's neat. Don't delete this one, you'll
laugh when you see the return message.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before
they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play on the computer,
until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those
wonderful tunes of the 50s, 60s & 70s, and if I, at the same time,
wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging
body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to,
despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just
as well forgotten. And, eventually, I remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not
break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even
when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are
what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart
never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of
being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning
gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep
grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died
before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about
what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even
earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I
like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but
while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have
been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every
single day (if I feel like it).
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before
they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play on the computer,
until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those
wonderful tunes of the 50s, 60s & 70s, and if I, at the same time,
wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging
body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to,
despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just
as well forgotten. And, eventually, I remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not
break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even
when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are
what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart
never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of
being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning
gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep
grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died
before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about
what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even
earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I
like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but
while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have
been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every
single day (if I feel like it).

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WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY!

*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tires ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude ~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless

In fact we are ~ Speechless

Our Government is --CLUELESS !!
Our Prime Minister is – WORTHLESS !!

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