"I'm a frayed knot."

[retired2]

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer and a cheese sandwich. The barman looks at it curiously and asks. "You're a piece of string aren't you?" "Yes I am." The string replies somewhat indignantly and takes his beer and sandwich to a nearby table. Twenty minutes later another piece of string comes into the bar. "A pint of beer and a cheese sandwich please." It says to the barman, who again asks. You're a piece of string right?" "Yes." The string answers". " You're friend is sitting over there." Says the barman.The string also takes his pint and sandwich over to the table. A few minutes later the door opens and yet another piece of string comes in. This one is tattered and ragged at each end and tied in the middle. As it approaches the bar the barman says. "Let me guess, a pint of beer and a cheese sandwich. You're another piece of string aren't you?" "No." It replies. "I'm a frayed knot."

[retired2]

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish downtown Toronto building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says...........
"Broccoli 49 cents a pound."

[retired2]

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said,
“Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry,
as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?”
I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!”
he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
-

[retired2]

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would
be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,
pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,
"I'll take him and him and him."

[retired2]

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[retired2]

A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't have any corn here.' The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! We don't have any corn.' This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!' The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.' Then the duck asks: 'Well then, do you have any corn? -

[retired2]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying.
A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?"
The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman
who is always dragging me off to bed.
The young man had a strange look on his face and asked
"What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have
a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said,
"I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine,"
said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation
written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth,
wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer
standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

[retired2]

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
-

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