''Mrs. Sanders, please."

[retired2]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
''Mrs. Sanders, please."
''Speaking."

''Mrs.Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV(AIDS). We can't tell which is which."
''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
''The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[retired2]

They say that during sex you
Burn off as many calories as
Running 8 miles.




Who the hell runs 8 miles in
15 seconds?

[retired2]

"Do not regret growing older.

It is a privilege denied to many."




My neighbor was working in his yard when

he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in

his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver

out of the car and sat her down on a lawn

chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite

elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.

"I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old

enough that I don't even need a driver's

license anymore."

"The last time I went to my doctor, he

examined me and asked if I had a driver's

license. I told him yes and handed it to

him. He took scissors out of the drawer,

cut the license into pieces, and threw it

in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't

need this anymore,' so I thanked him

and left!"

[retired2]

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up.."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"


"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23.


She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.

After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rick was so nervous, when it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.

One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.

"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night?

That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.

My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before
eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

THE BIBLE
Did you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache?

When you open it, he collapses?

When he sees you reading it, he faints?

Let's read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting.

Maybe one day he'll have a stroke and never wake up.

[retired2]

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.

One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew
right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they
were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how
about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded. Well, the gentleman
couldn't believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in
that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked
over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever
would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after
dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like
a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did !"

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as
he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been
morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he
ventured forth with, "Ahhh ... mmmm how would you like to stop at this
motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then
and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in !
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible
love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely
Dixie darlin lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, What the hell
have I done?

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what
ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, you don't have to
smoke and drink to have a good time.."

[retired2]

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I hav...e the breasts of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[retired2]

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[retired2]

Sarcasm 101
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass,
two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain
around his neck; walked into the
local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like
taking advantage of the system, getting
something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your
timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have
to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and
he will supply all of your clothes."


"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
But you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the
daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
"You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

[retired2]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.

He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles
and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put
him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[retired2]

SENIOR'S PICK-UP LINE

A rather elderly gentleman named Ron (mid-70's) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed,
great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, shoes shined and no walker. He presents a suave,
well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly (70-ish) fine-looking lady. The gentleman
walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to
her and says,

"So tell me good looking, do I come here often?

[retired2]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
...
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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