Dorothy and Edna
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Dorothy and Edna
by retired2 Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:21 am
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking....Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson
asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with
you about him before I give him my answer....."Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my
apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me
such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs.
And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner;
a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
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Re: Dorothy and Edna
by retired2 Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:22 am
There are female jokes and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as any man would). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
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Re: Dorothy and Edna
by retired2 Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:22 am
Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)
Read it all the way through!
It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
A good laugh for people for the over 50 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the business with
1800 employees I ran for 30-years, all without a cell phone that
plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with
Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and
Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and
2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only
140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter,
Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie, Twittererific, Tweetdeck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone
and every other program within the texting World.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details
of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next
generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell
phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they
say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery
store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with
the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I
drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and
Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards
was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it,
and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but
the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest
person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she
would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think
that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate
me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to
make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn
instead....... Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name
of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same
tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the
cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years,
but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all
at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions
and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when
ever the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.
You would think they could settle on something themselves
but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out
just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth
reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never
remember to take them with me.
Now I toss it back to them.
When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say,
"Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."
Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered,
No, but I do fart a lot."
Read it all the way through!
It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
A good laugh for people for the over 50 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the business with
1800 employees I ran for 30-years, all without a cell phone that
plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with
Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and
Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and
2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only
140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter,
Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie, Twittererific, Tweetdeck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone
and every other program within the texting World.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details
of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next
generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell
phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they
say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery
store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with
the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I
drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and
Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards
was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it,
and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but
the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest
person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she
would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think
that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate
me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to
make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn
instead....... Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name
of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same
tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the
cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years,
but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all
at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions
and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when
ever the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.
You would think they could settle on something themselves
but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out
just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth
reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never
remember to take them with me.
Now I toss it back to them.
When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say,
"Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."
Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered,
No, but I do fart a lot."
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Dorothy and Edna
by retired2 Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:23 am
Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse Asked the basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140 .
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'
Flour and Water
How come when you mix water
and flour together
you get glue?..
and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse Asked the basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140 .
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'
Flour and Water
How come when you mix water
and flour together
you get glue?..
and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Dorothy and Edna
by retired2 Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:23 am
These are sentences exactly as typed in Patient Reports .....
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
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Re: Dorothy and Edna
by retired2 Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:24 am
The Charles Schulz Philosophy
(This is marvellous!! Scroll thru slowly and read carefully to receive and enjoy full effect)
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip.
You don't have to actually answer the questions.Just ponder on them.
Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4 Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies..
Awards tarnish..
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money...or the most awards.
They simply are the ones who care the most.
'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia !'
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Re: Dorothy and Edna
by retired2 Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:56 am
Chicken Legs
Posted on November 5, 2012 Posted in Clean Jokes
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs.
So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer “What’s up with these chickens?”
The farmer said “Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I’m going to be a millionaire.” The man asked him how they tasted.
The farmer said “Don’t know, haven’t caught one yet.”
Posted on November 5, 2012 Posted in Clean Jokes
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs.
So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer “What’s up with these chickens?”
The farmer said “Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I’m going to be a millionaire.” The man asked him how they tasted.
The farmer said “Don’t know, haven’t caught one yet.”
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Re: Dorothy and Edna
by retired2 Wed Jul 03, 2013 10:50 am
Wanting Coffee:
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa! Description: Description:
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in Canadian government:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave shit for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa! Description: Description:
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in Canadian government:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave shit for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
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