DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE

[retired2]

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.There was one nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk
To him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning",

Or "Are we ready for our bath"?

Old Ed had had enough of this particular nurse.
Next day at breakfast, Old Ed took the apple juice
Off the tray and put it in his bed side stand.
When he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing,
You know where the juice went!


The nurse came in a little later, picked
Up the urine bottle and looked at it.
"My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. "


At this, Old Ed snatched the bottle
Out of her hand, popped off the top,
And drank it down, saying,
" I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time."



The nurse threw up!

DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE

[retired2]

$7.00 Sex




An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and

Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

[retired2]

TWO TREES AND A WOODPECKER

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, & replies,
'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

[retired2]

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,

Ladies and gentlemen,
The Premier of Ontario
DALTON McGINTY
Damn I love this truck....

[retired2]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.

I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course

when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.


"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,

I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up

painting landscapes in watercolours"


"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant

was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"


"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.

"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache

[retired2]

Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.

cid:23AFB105BE2548FEA658E50232652FCF@don0be14ac9ccb

A grandfather, who was visiting his granddaughter in Alberta, watched her playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

cid:9A58415D45B04E8CBAB209C2D011F074@don0be14ac9ccb

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Grandpa, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her grandfather replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'A Daddy Longlegs,' her grandfather answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

“Well", she said, "that may be OK in B.C. , but we're not having any of that shit in Alberta ”

[Sponsored content]