bigger than the barbecue."

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Post by retired2 on Thu Jun 21, 2012 10:11 pm

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big.
I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measures the barbecue grill and goes over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely coldly brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie ?"
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Post by retired2 on Thu Jun 21, 2012 10:12 pm

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles. One day Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replies, "I don't know, but let's ask our waiter".

When the waiter arrives Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cook." He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says,

"No Senor, the cook says no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, Senor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews."

Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE.....

All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews."
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Post by retired2 on Thu Jun 21, 2012 10:12 pm



There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me. Nobody ever let me in before."

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Post by retired2 on Fri Jun 22, 2012 8:03 am

Little Johnny goes up to his dad and ask "What couple's sex?" Johnny's dad is taken aback. He takes a long look at his son and proceeds to tell him all about the birds and the bees. After about a half hour he finishes and asks " Well Johnny did you understand all that?" Little Johnny wide eyed and awe struck says " Wow dad I certainly didn't expect that. Before I came to see you I asked Mom when supper would be ready and she said in a couple of secs."

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Ted said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Ted said.
"Straight, like normal," Ed said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Ted said.
Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Ted said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."
"Fuck," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
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Post by retired2 on Fri Jun 22, 2012 9:36 pm

IT'S NO FUN BEING OLD!



This is my neighbor:


She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

It’s no fun being old!!!
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