TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

[retired2]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
DRIVING (and remember, it could be men in this scenario as well)
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US
!!!!
_____________________________________________________

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US
!!!!

______________________________________________________________

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!' (This is Mike, ha, ha)

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in,'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US
!!!!

________________________________________________________________

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex...'

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair..

Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
'I'll take the soup.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T
HAPPEN TO US
!!!!

___________________________________________________________

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ...
I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but
I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her, for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US
!!!!

______________________________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US
!!!!
______________________________________________________________
NOW Where Was I?

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.'
He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

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GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE


Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ....
If you are one of our children,
dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5
in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home,press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater, start talking ... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"



WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)



Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.



A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!



Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them…They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.



When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.



They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'



They don't say, 'Hurry up.'



Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.



They can take their teeth and gums out.



Grandparents don't have to be smart.



They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'



When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.



Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.



They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.



GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!



It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

[retired2]

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?

I put in a $7 bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit", and now it seems
I'm only nineteen minutes away from owning Harper's entire Cabinet.

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