Husband went to the RCMP to report that his wife was missing..

[retired2]

Husband went to the RCMP to report that his wife was missing......

Husband:    My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
 Sergeant:   What is her height?
 Husband:   Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
 Sergeant:   Weight?
 Husband:   Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
 Sergeant:   Colour of eyes?
 Husband:   Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
 Sergeant:   Colour of hair?
 Husband:   Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
 Sergeant:   What was she wearing?
 Husband:   Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
 Sergeant:   What kind of car did she go in?
 Husband:   She went in my truck.
 Sergeant:   What kind of truck was it?
 Husband:   A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up. 
 Sergeant:       Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

[retired2]

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.
 
Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
 
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
 
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
 
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
 
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
 
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
 
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
 
The moral of this story is: Pay your f***in' bills!

[Rick Wisson]

For sure.

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