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Insider Investment Tips for 2014

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Post by retired2 Tue Sep 09, 2014 9:13 pm

Insider Investment Tips for 2014

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2014:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.


Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
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Post by retired2 Tue Sep 09, 2014 9:13 pm

In a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.
You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Spanish blood.
What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper and
replied ...
"How very sporting of your mother!"
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Post by retired2 Tue Sep 09, 2014 9:14 pm

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing and, before

leaving, he told her that he did not have any cash with him but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it

to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT .'



On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.

So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:



Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon

because, when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:



#1 - it had never been occupied,

#2 - there was plenty of heat, and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.



However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn't any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large.'



Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:



Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture

to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact

your present landlady...
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Post by retired2 Tue Sep 09, 2014 9:15 pm

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:

'You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window.'

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says, 'What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!'

'No, no.. it's true...' said the first man, 'let me prove it to you.'

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man , who is astonished.

'Oh my God, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must have been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!'

'No, I'll prove it again,' says the first man as he jumps.

Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his dubious fellow drinker to try it. 'Well, what the hell,' the second guy says, 'I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!'

He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... . Then his body hits the sidewalk... ..

Splat!!!!!

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says.....

'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drinking.'
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Post by retired2 Tue Sep 09, 2014 9:16 pm

An Aussie Blonde goes to Heaven...





A Blonde goes to Heaven.
An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven....
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Post by retired2 Tue Sep 09, 2014 9:16 pm

A SHORT CATHOLIC JOKE
Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"
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