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Post by retired2 Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:05 pm

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.
Boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce.
The email says:

"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night.
It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke.
Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order.
I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks a lot"

Moral: A "space" is an essential part in English
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Post by retired2 Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:06 pm


Computer Skills

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can’t find printer’. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
*************************
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
*************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
*************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
*************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
*************************

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
*************************

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
*************************
This one and the next are our personal favourites!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'


************************
And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
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Post by retired2 Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:06 pm



The Talking Clock!!!

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.



'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"





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Post by retired2 Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:07 pm

The Dentist


A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:

"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:

"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....



"Didn't feel a thing."
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Post by retired2 Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:07 pm

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job."
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.


FIVE Other Simple Truths
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the jerk's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk or water.


Bonus Truth
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
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Post by retired2 Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:09 pm

Sat. night hoots Att00024
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Post by retired2 Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:12 pm

Sat. night hoots Sent10
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Post by retired2 Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:13 pm

If They Had a Doting Mother



MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

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Post by retired2 Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:14 pm


Snotty Receptionist… Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.” The room erupted in applause! DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!
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Post by retired2 Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:14 pm

Ahhhhh the wisdom of the ages.

A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.



So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.



She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.



"Pardon me, sir, what's your name?"



"Morris Feinberg," he replied.



"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."



"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"







"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."



"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."



"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."



"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."







"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"







"Like I'm talking to a f............ wall"
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Post by retired2 Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:15 pm

The Original Computer!!!!

This made me laugh out loud...
(try explaining this to your Kids/grandkids!!)



Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy...


You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!



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Post by retired2 Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:16 pm

Football Season is Getting Close!



Urban Meyer on one of his players:

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.

In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

______________________________________



Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

______________________________________



What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.

______________________________________



How many Ohio State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.

______________________________________



How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.

______________________________________



Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

______________________________________



A Notre Dame University football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

______________________________________



What do you say to Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."

______________________________________



If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.

______________________________________



How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

______________________________________



What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.

______________________________________



University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;



the other half will have to dress themselves.

______________________________________



How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

______________________________________



Why did the Texas linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

______________________________________



How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
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Post by gale force Sun Sep 07, 2014 7:53 am

You must have been saving these up for us Retired.  Thanks a lot for starting off my day with a laugh!
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Post by retired2 Sun Sep 07, 2014 7:57 am

Not saving them, they just seem to come in bunches these days
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Post by Ruby Tuesday Sun Sep 07, 2014 8:30 pm

All good
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