Drunk driver

[observer]

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy

[Rick Wisson]

[observer]

Wisdom in Phrases

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield


Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan



Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope



I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

[Rick Wisson]

There is a lot of wisdom in those quotes.

[retired2]

SENIORS IN FLORIDA

Getting old in FLORIDA

Savannah Circle

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Punta Gorda , doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

**********************************************************



Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Lakewood Village reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

**********************************************************

Live Oak

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

**********************************************************



Two elderly people living in Fort Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years One evening there was a community supper in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

**********************************************************



A man was telling his neighbor in Port Charlotte , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.

It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

**********************************************************

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Bonita Springs , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

[retired2]

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a
Midwest town he planned to visit on his
Vacation. He wrote: I would very much like
To bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed
And very well behaved. Would you be willing
To permit me to keep him in my room with
Me at night?"


An immediate reply came from the hotel
Owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating
This hotel for many years. In all that time, I've
Never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
Silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never
Had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
For being drunk and disorderly. And I've never
Had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed,
Your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your
Dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay
Here, too."

[retired2]

This is a public service message for women to Better Understand Men.




Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will

fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.

Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

______________________________________________



Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,

I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what

I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say

to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now

with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know

where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and

break wind, as a form of holy communion.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone

to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and

moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so

for you, this is no problem.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic

groceries at the store, like steaks, beer, milk or bread. I cannot be

expected to find exotic items like 'tofu' or 'tampons'.

For all I know, these are the same thing.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops

working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that

this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person

gets here and has to put it back together.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote

control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been

misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it .... Though

one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator ......

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm

thinking about. The true answer is always either food, cars,

sports or sex. I have to make up something else when

you ask, so don't ask.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the

movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't,

and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will

certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I

thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,

too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,

looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2012, I

will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,

the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,

and I'll do the rest...... like hosing down the patio and wandering

around in the garden with a soda wondering what to do next.

[retired2]

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently ", she replied..

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered,







"Is that one word or two?"

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