Irish Sawmill Accident

[retired2]

Irish Sawmill Accident


Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the

big bench saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick

to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising

his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg

on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick

off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work

on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and

severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and

Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag

and he suffocated”.

An Italian MaMa
Mrs Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:
Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa


Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you MaMa

[retired2]

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.


CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

[retired2]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he
said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more
difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for
your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about
our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson
to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
shit, We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Toronto Maple Leafs 2012.'
==================================================
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says,
'I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
==================================================
Catholic Heart Attack - And you don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!!


A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[retired2]

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and
give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room
and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...SORRY.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind...
===============================
Some research you might find interesting....





A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she
is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to
be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear
lodged in his chest with a bat up his arse while he is on fire.



No further studies are expected on this subject.

[kishgo]

[retired2]

I thought these were delightful. Enjoy.


Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7.. A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in maths?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the year one teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

[Sponsored content]