IT TAKES AN ITALIAN MAN TO MAKE A WOMAN FEEL LIKE A WOMAN

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IT TAKES AN ITALIAN MAN TO MAKE A WOMAN FEEL LIKE A WOMAN

Post by retired2 on Mon Sep 24, 2012 10:31 pm

IT TAKES AN ITALIAN MAN TO MAKE A WOMAN FEEL LIKE A WOMAN


On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the
front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes
on earth to be memorable! "Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril. They looked, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
gorgeous: Tall, well built, with dark black hair and brown eyes. He starts
to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time.

................No one moves.

................He removes his shirt.

................Muscles ripple across his chest.

...............She gasps
.................He whispers:
..............."Here, iron this, and get me something to eat."
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Re: IT TAKES AN ITALIAN MAN TO MAKE A WOMAN FEEL LIKE A WOMAN

Post by retired2 on Mon Sep 24, 2012 10:33 pm

MONDAY


The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
Concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
Attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
Told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
Until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
Told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.


The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
Hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'



TUESDAY


A man went to church one day and afterward
He stopped to shake the preacher's hand.


He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a


Damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,


'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
Thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'



WEDNESDAY


Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
Appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
Large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'



THURSDAY


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th
floor apartment, killing him instantly.


Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she
had anything to say in her defence.


'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92,if he could screw,
he could fly.'



FRIDAY


A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .


'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of
us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our
drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
All and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what
food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?'


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
Man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,


'Wedding Cake.'



SATURDAY


Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.


At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get
the trophy girlfriend?'


Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'


They are knocked over, but continue to ask.'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.


'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'


Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'



SUNDAY


Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.


As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through


The process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.


She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.


'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they
no longer produce.'


She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'


A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
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Re: IT TAKES AN ITALIAN MAN TO MAKE A WOMAN FEEL LIKE A WOMAN

Post by retired2 on Mon Sep 24, 2012 10:34 pm

A police motorcycle officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying a word.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole."
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a barrister to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the barrister for the defence asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
The police officer replies: "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Barrister: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
~~~~ How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client~~~~
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