adult content

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The next couple of jokes have adult content

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Testicle disorder

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan. "

[retired2]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,



'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up..

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,

'My nose is cold .'

The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,


'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!

[retired2]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off..
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

[retired2]

Update on Monica Lewinsky

After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror...







Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her....



In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...







'God....If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed...



And just like that... Her ears fell off..

[retired2]

A guy gets onto an elevator and there’s only one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast.
He says, “Oh, I’m so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you’ll be able to forgive me.”
She looks at him a few seconds and says,
“That’s all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 204.”

[Rick Wisson]

The next couple of jokes have adult content

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