*IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO*****

Go down

 *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO***** Empty *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO*****

Post by retired2 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 10:48 am


> *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO*****
> * .....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
> *
> ****
> *.....the trees are whistling for the dogs.*
> ****
> *.....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance*
> ****
> *.....hot water comes from both taps.*
> ****
> *.....you can make sun tea instantly.*
> ****
> *.....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.*
> ****
> *.....the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.*
> ****
> *.....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car
> (one on each hand).*
> ****
> *.....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.*
> ****
> *.....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.*
> ****
> *.....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 5:30 A.M.*
> ****
> *.....your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and
> end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?*
> ****
> *.....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.*
> ****
> *.....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out
> and add butter.*
> ****
> *.....the cows are giving evaporated milk.*
> ****
> *.....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
> laying boiled eggs.*****
> ****
> * IT'S SO DRY in ONTARIO that the Baptists are starting to baptize
> by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are
> giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back
> into water!*****
retired2
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5976
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

 *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO***** Empty Re: *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO*****

Post by retired2 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 10:49 am


A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 I want you to
jump in bed. And when I say
BELL 3 we are going to make love all night.'
The next night he came home from work and yelled: ' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the
wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?'
asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,'
she replied
'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
retired2
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5976
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

 *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO***** Empty Re: *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO*****

Post by retired2 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 10:50 am

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'
*****
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'
*****
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.
Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children..
One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
******
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'
*****
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
*****
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, that's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
*****
... And my personal favorite ...God's Problem Now:

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
retired2
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5976
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

 *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO***** Empty Re: *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO*****

Post by retired2 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 10:50 am

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his

eyes and said "I'd like to buy some cyanide".


The Pharmacist asked "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband".

The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he said, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband,

that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.

The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
retired2
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5976
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

 *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO***** Empty Re: *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO*****

Post by retired2 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 10:51 am


There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.
After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.
...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
retired2
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5976
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

 *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO***** Empty Re: *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO*****

Post by retired2 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 10:51 am

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.


Description: Description: cid:01db01cb4ad3$53450c20$B2F64432@mycomputer

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irrate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..
..."Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either.
retired2
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5976
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

 *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO***** Empty Re: *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO*****

Post by retired2 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 10:52 am

Cool Facts About the Human Body

Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream.





The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.





You use 200 muscles to take one step.





The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.





Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.





A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.





A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball..




The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.





The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.





It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.







The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.





Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.





At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.





There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.





Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.





The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.



Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.





When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
retired2
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5976
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

 *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO***** Empty Re: *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO*****

Post by Rick Wisson on Wed Jul 25, 2012 7:47 pm

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil..
.
.Pertaining to the 4th sentence above.
I'm having corn on the cob for supper. For the last hr Its been on my lap and it still not cooked

Rick Wisson
Rick Wisson

Posts : 1039
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

 *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO***** Empty Re: *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO*****

Post by retired2 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 9:30 pm

You mus have a cold heart then
retired2
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5976
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

 *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO***** Empty Re: *IT'S SO HOT in ONTARIO*****

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum