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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 19, 2012 2:28 pm

Golf ClubSign
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.


WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 19, 2012 2:31 pm

This is one of the better ones.

Life from the seat of a tractor.
An old Farmer's Words of Wisdom we could all live by.......
The last quote fits everyone...

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”


“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”


“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”


“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”


“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”


“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”


“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”


“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”


“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”


“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”


“Every path has a few puddles.”


“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”


“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”


“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”


“Don't judge folks by their relatives.


“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”
“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”


“Timin' has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”


“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”


“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.


“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”


“Always drink upstream from the herd.”


“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”


“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”


“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”


“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.” “Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”
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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 19, 2012 2:32 pm

I NEVER KNEW THIS!



INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT.



WARNING TO US ALL - YOU NEED TO READ THIS.

Shampoo Warning

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower.
when I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY"

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and
I am going to start showering with dishwashing liquid instead because its label reads

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."



PROBLEM SOLVED

If I don't answer, I'll be in the shower!
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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 19, 2012 2:33 pm

Got home really late last night and my wife left a message in the kitchen

Golf ClubSign Sent11
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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 19, 2012 8:42 pm

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and
Sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.


The big guy sees the Little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 Pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him..
The big Guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say To me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
Give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me......
I'm 7 Feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
Weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!
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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 19, 2012 8:45 pm

The Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to
the Revenue Canada office.




The Revenue Canada auditor was not
surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.


The auditor said, 'Well, sir,
you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by
saying that you win money gambling.


I'm not sure the Revenue Canada finds that believable.'


I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'


The auditor thinks for a
moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'


Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a
thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'


The auditor thinks a moment and
says, 'It's a bet..'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.


The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you
two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa
isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures


and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes
he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness.


He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?'
Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of
your desk, and pee into that wastebasket
on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now,


but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands
beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't
make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates
all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy,


realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans
and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney.


'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit,


he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars


that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you!


Don't Mess with Old People!!
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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 19, 2012 8:52 pm

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,
marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran
and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,
which he also unfolds -
to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief
and thecotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,
and marches out of the door,
shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed byan even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists
and addresses the proprietor,this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

“We'll have a new one."
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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 19, 2012 9:49 pm


Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
********************

I had amnesia once---or twice
********************

I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
********************

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
********************

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
********************

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
********************

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
********************

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
********************

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,
YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE AGAIN,
SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS

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