If My Body Was a Car!

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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:52 am

If My Body Was a Car!
This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!!
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it,


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
either my radiator leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!
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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:53 am

Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived
... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."


Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change.

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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:54 am

Pauline failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.

One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:54 am

Dear Employees:


As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Darrell Dexter is our Nova Scotia Premier and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.


But, since we cannot increase our prices right now, due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off 60 of our employees, instead.

This really has been bothering me, since I believe that we are family, here, and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.


So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found 60 'NDP bumper stickers' on our employees cars … and have decided that these folks will be the ones to let go.

I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

They voted for change, so I gave it to them.

I'll see the rest of you at the annual company picnic!!!
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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:55 am

A Good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Stephen Harper are on the same stage in the Maple Leaf Gardens in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Harper and said,
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Harper replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 12, 2012 11:03 pm

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director,"she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. after a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(wait for it)



She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 12, 2012 11:04 pm

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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 12, 2012 11:05 pm

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Post by retired2 on Tue Jun 12, 2012 11:13 pm

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