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Post by retired2 on Mon May 14, 2012 10:16 pm

Senior Bus Tour
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again .... he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
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Post by retired2 on Mon May 14, 2012 10:17 pm

Condoms do NOT guarantee “safe” sex.



(A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by his “lady-friend’s” husband.)

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Post by retired2 on Mon May 14, 2012 10:17 pm

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!


Tis me, .................. I've Quit Drinking!"
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Post by retired2 on Mon May 14, 2012 10:18 pm

Too cute not to share!!

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks ..." How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers !

Koos, from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally, next door, said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Piet in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital. Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?” “
No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that daddy had to make me himself!”
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Post by retired2 on Tue May 15, 2012 9:48 am

The Hammer

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,

"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

Avoice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Thevoice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

Thejudge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,

"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Theguy in the back of the court stands up and says,

"I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that asshole, andevery time I asked to borrow a hammer.

He said he didn't have one."
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Post by retired2 on Tue May 15, 2012 9:49 am

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said that in order to achieve inner peace we should always finish things we start. We all could use more calm in our lives.

So, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't yet finished. I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, ana box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frinds who need inner piss.

An telum u luvum.
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Post by retired2 on Tue May 15, 2012 12:23 pm

Looking At Others Your Own Age

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.


MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.


I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.


COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?


UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.


THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.


AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .


YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.


HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'


YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.


HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.


THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALDING,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED,



"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
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Post by retired2 on Wed May 16, 2012 10:11 am

The phone call
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog at her house while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart.
As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and
unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next.
Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said..
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied
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