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Post by retired2 on Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:41 pm

Headache

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all

these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,

stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a

headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last

few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and

carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes

passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes

back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
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Post by retired2 on Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:41 pm

Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.

Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?



Cowboy: Nah.... She ain't that ugly!!
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Post by retired2 on Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:42 pm

1+ 2 = 3
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centres..
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school because they had a reputation for getting excellent results. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
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Post by retired2 on Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:43 pm

$2.99 SPECIAL
I love it.................................

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........
God willing, someday you will be......

The 2.99 Special


We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
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Post by retired2 on Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:47 pm

Normally I do not pass this type of email along but this particular incident of animal cruelty needs to be addressed..................................
This just breaks my heart!
Please be advised that the photo is EXTREMELY GRAPHIC




No more headaches Att00028
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Post by kishgo on Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:48 pm

LOL
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