Redneck Church

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Redneck Church

Post by retired2 on Wed Jan 27, 2016 4:10 pm

UST IN CASE YA'LL HAVE NOT BEEN IN CARTERSVILLE LATELY FOR SUNDAY SERVICE--- WAYNE




Redneck Church

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.. the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.. opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .. in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.. the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. .. the collection plates are hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.. the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y' all come back now, Ya heah".
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Re: Redneck Church

Post by retired2 on Wed Jan 27, 2016 4:10 pm


Bowel Movements

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."
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Re: Redneck Church

Post by retired2 on Wed Jan 27, 2016 4:11 pm



Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"



Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"



Trudeau: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, the Prime Minister of Canada!!!!"



Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."



Trudeau: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."



Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."



Trudeau:" Mon dieu. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."



Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.



Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.



So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"



Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue."



Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trudeau?
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Re: Redneck Church

Post by retired2 on Wed Jan 27, 2016 4:12 pm

God Said, "Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me."


Adam
Said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?"

God
Said, "Go down
Into that
Valley."


Adam said, "What's
A valley?"

God explained it to him.


Then God said,
"Cross the
River."

Adam said, "What's a
River?"

God explained that
To him, and then said,
"Go over to the
Hill....."

Adam said,


"What is a
Hill?"
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On
The
Other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave."


Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He
Said, "In the cave
You will find a woman."


Adam said, "What's a
Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you
To
Reproduce."

Adam said, "How do
I do
That?"

God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."

And then,
Just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as
Well.

So, Adam goes down
Into
The valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill,
Into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in
About five minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, "What is
It
Now?"

And Adam said....


*

*


(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)

*

*


*

*

*

"What's a
Headache?"
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