Election Humour
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Election Humour
by retired2 Wed Oct 14, 2015 4:58 pm
Election Humour
SOMETHING WE ALL SHOULD REMEMBER WHEN VOTING SOON:
CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR.
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors,
and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain
suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear
occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.
SOMETHING WE ALL SHOULD REMEMBER WHEN VOTING SOON:
CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR.
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors,
and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain
suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear
occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Election Humour
by retired2 Wed Oct 14, 2015 5:00 pm
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came
upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: $ 5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked LIBERAL, Grilled CONSERVATIVE
or Sauteed NDP: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied,
"Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: $ 5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked LIBERAL, Grilled CONSERVATIVE
or Sauteed NDP: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied,
"Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Election Humour
by retired2 Wed Oct 14, 2015 5:00 pm
recent visit to my doctor
During a recent
visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old
age home?"
"Well," he said,
"We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is
bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," he said. "A
normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON,
OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Election Humour
by retired2 Wed Oct 14, 2015 5:01 pm
Butch the Rooster
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
( If you don¹t send this on, you're chicken …… no yoke! )
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
( If you don¹t send this on, you're chicken …… no yoke! )
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
Re: Election Humour
by retired2 Wed Oct 14, 2015 5:02 pm
New Dentures
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to
go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist
two years before.
"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday
when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going
at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to
do with your dentures?"
"It was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to
go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist
two years before.
"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday
when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going
at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to
do with your dentures?"
"It was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
retired2- Bonfire Tilter
- Posts : 5986
Join date : 2012-02-24
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